Perhaps this is the first time you have attended a book launch.

Do not be afraid.

Book launches happen all the time in all kinds of venues with few discernible side effects.

Tonight, End Of The Jews launches at the Miles Nadal JCC at 7pm.

Come early as delays at security can be considerable and seating is limited.

This is what Rick Santorum looked like in college.

Here are seven five quick and easy tips for you so you can have a successful launch evening without causing harm to yourself, close family members or the environment.

  1. Drink heavily before 7pm.  Alcohol is a great social lubricant.  It will promote feelings of solidarity and levity with fellow audience members.  More importantly, alcohol will give the impression that everything the speakers say is incredibly funny and insightful which will heighten the experience of excitement and joy.
  2. Bring money to buy at least four copies of the book.  The End Of The Jews book launch is an event designed to promote End Of The Jews.  To participate fully in this event, you, too, will be called upon to help promote the book.  The best way to promote the book is to buy many copies (at least four is considered polite, but five is recommended) and give it to people you know with the following solemn admonition: “This book changed my life and you need to read it if you want to be happy and successful.  Seriously.”
  3. Nod vigorously from your seat.  Nodding vigorously at the launch participants as they speak lets them know that you are listening and taking in what they are saying – and, most importantly, nodding indicates that you are in complete agreement with everything they say.  This is critical if the evening is going to be successful.
  4. Avoid noisy snacks.  If you insist on eating during this important, life-changing event, refrain from eating food in plastic wrappers as they cause distraction and can potentially annoy the launch participants.  Fruit is generally acceptable because of its noiseless packaging, but eating snacks is really besides the point.  You are here to (a) listen [and agree] (see tip #3) and to (b) buy many copies of the book (see tip #2).  Stay focused!  Eat later.
  5. During the Q&A, ask the launch participants easy questions.  Questions like “Is this book made of paper?” or “What is your favourite page number?” or (my favourite) “Do you know how much I love this book?” are welcome because they are not too challenging for the launch participants.  Remember, book launches are not venues for cheap, gotcha-journalism-type hectoring or penetrating conversation or insightful discourse whatsoever.  (See tip #2.)  The only exception to this tip is fawning compliment-making or queries about where else one can buy the book when copies run out.  It is best for you to prepare your questo-tainment info-queries before the event so the concluding portion of the program does not drag too long.

If you stick with these easy-to-remember tips, you and your spouse/friend/colleague will have a lovely evening filled with laughs, silent snacks and great gifts for unsuspecting peers and distant relatives.

I look forward to seeing you later!

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